Halloran Test Laboratory

Tag: tables

  • Reader Letters: My Cat Has Pushed Everything I Own, What Now?

    Reader Letters: My Cat Has Pushed Everything I Own, What Now?

    Dear Laboratory,

    My cat has pushed my phone, my keys, my plants and my wine glasses off every surface in the house. I have run out of things. What do I do?

    Dear reader,

    First, thank you for writing, and for your contribution to science. You are now the owner of a fully tested home.

    Second, you have not run out of things. You have run out of things that you are willing to see fall. There is a world of objects out there, and some of them are cheap.

    Third, consider a replacement table with a lower edge, a heavier mug and a smaller phone. Fourth, consider that your cat is not misbehaving but expressing a deep curiosity about the world, and that in her mind, you are her principal investigator.

    Best of luck, The Laboratory

    Follow up from a reader

    A second letter has arrived from the same reader, who says she has taken our advice, bought a table with a lower edge, and placed a weighted mug upon it. Her cat has since pushed the table. We are reviewing the case and will return with updated guidance.

    A note on the nature of cats

    The Laboratory wishes to remind all readers that a cat is not a vandal but a scientist, and that her laboratory is your home. If this is not comforting, we suggest replacing your possessions with items made of foam, which have the added benefit of being quiet.

    Disclaimer

    The Laboratory’s advice column is provided for entertainment and mild alarm. No two homes are alike, no two cats are alike, and no two mugs are alike, although they are all, in the end, the same mug. Please do not make decisions about your home based on what we have written.

    Postscript

    If you wish to send a letter of your own, please address it to the Laboratory and place it on the floor.

  • Press Release: Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory Opens a Second Table

    Press Release: Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory Opens a Second Table

    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

    The Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory is pleased to announce the opening of Table Two, a solid oak surface measuring 120 centimetres by 70 centimetres, located in the former broom cupboard adjoining Table One. The addition doubles the Laboratory’s capacity for controlled falling.

    “Table One has served us loyally for eleven years,” said Dr. Biscuit Halloran, Founding Director. “It has a wobble that we have come to love, and a ring from a cup that has become part of our methodology. Table Two has neither of these. We are told this is a feature.”

    What is new

    Table Two is a modern research surface with the following upgrades:

    • A clearly marked edge, painted in a cheerful red so that the cats can find it.
    • A lip of exactly zero millimetres, which we believe to be an industry first.
    • A small shelf beneath it for the collection of what falls.

    A word from the safety office

    The Laboratory’s Head of Safety, a nervous tabby named Gerald, has asked us to state that all drops are conducted in the interest of science and that no item of sentimental value has been knowingly used. Gerald has also asked that the phrase “knowingly used” be read slowly.

    Opening ceremony

    A ribbon will be cut at noon on Friday. Staff cats will push the ribbon, then the scissors, then the small vase of flowers that was placed nearby to make the ceremony look more official. A second vase will be provided.

    Frequently anticipated questions

    Will Table Two replace Table One? No. Table One remains the Laboratory’s spiritual home, and we have promised it that it will not be moved. It was not consulted on this promise.

    Will the public be allowed to attend? Members of the public are welcome to watch from behind the yellow line, which has been drawn on the floor in tape. Please note that the line is also a drop zone, and that the Laboratory accepts no responsibility for socks.

    Statistics

    In its first week of planning, Table Two was measured, sketched, sniffed, climbed, slept on and, on one occasion, left a note on. The note read, in a small and careful paw, “Mine.” We have taken this as a sign of approval.

    Contact

    Press enquiries should be directed to the Laboratory’s communications cat, Pickle, who will not respond, or to the front desk, which will respond with a long and thoughtful silence. Photographs of the new table are available on request, though we note that every photograph includes the same cat, sitting on it.