Halloran Test Laboratory

Category: Field Studies

  • Field Study: Bookshelves, an Unexplored Frontier

    Field Study: Bookshelves, an Unexplored Frontier

    For years the Laboratory has focused on tables. We have been told by the board that this is narrow. So in March, a field team of three cats set out to examine the bookshelf.

    The setting

    The shelf stood two metres tall and held 140 books, a clock, a ceramic frog and a candle that nobody had lit since 2019. It was, in short, a tempting environment.

    Observations

    The first book fell at 11:02 AM. It landed spine down, which we consider a good omen. The second book landed flat and made a noise that the whole building heard. A third book was dropped with such force that it opened and displayed a page about gardening.

    Conclusion

    Bookshelves are superior to tables for the study of books. We have asked the board to approve a bigger shelf and, separately, a smaller board.

    Equipment carried

    Each member of the field team carried a notebook, a stopwatch, a ruler, and a bag of treats that was empty by 9:30 AM. The notebook was also pushed. We recovered it the following day with a large paw print on the cover.

    Hazards

    The shelf was reached by a series of ascending surfaces: a chair, a side table, a printer, and the top of a refrigerator. The printer was not designed to bear a cat, and said so, loudly, in a series of beeps. The team ignored it, as is the Laboratory’s tradition with machines.

    Recommendations for future shelf work

    The team recommends the use of a soft landing zone, such as a pile of laundry, to protect fragile specimens. The team also recommends that the ceramic frog be treated with respect, since it fell last and survived.

    Summary of data

    The field team recorded 31 drops, of which 28 were confirmed falls and three were attempts that ended in a sulk. Average fall time was 0.64 seconds, a figure that the team considers a personal best for the building. One paperback, a large book about the history of rope, was dropped four times and was deemed to have enjoyed it.

  • Incident Report 114: The Pen That Was Never Found

    Incident Report 114: The Pen That Was Never Found

    On a Tuesday in the second quarter, a Laboratory pen was placed on the edge of Table One for the purpose of Drop Trial 7,201. The pen fell, as expected. The pen did not come to rest on the floor, as expected. It went somewhere else.

    Timeline

    At 10:14 AM the pen was pushed. At 10:14 and a few seconds, the pen was heard to hit the floor. At 10:15 the pen was no longer there. Three research cats and one human observer were present, and none will say more.

    The search

    Over the following three weeks the Laboratory examined the underside of every piece of furniture, the inside of two boots, and a plant pot that had not previously been considered a suspect. A forensic broom was employed.

    Findings

    No pen was found. However, the search yielded eleven other pens, a bottle cap, a button, a dried pea and a small ring, which has since been returned to a very surprised member of staff.

    We conclude that the pen is either in the wall or in the cat. We have asked the cat. She has no comment.

    Interviews

    Dumpling, who was nearest the pen at the time, was asked to comment. She looked out of the window for several seconds, then licked a paw, then left. We have noted this as a partial confession.

    Gerald, Head of Safety, said he had seen nothing but would like it recorded that he had been standing very close to nothing. A junior associate named Pickle said the pen “went up, I think,” which led to a long and unhelpful meeting about whether pens can rise.

    Theories considered

    • The pen fell into a gap between the floorboards, a gap that we later measured at four millimetres and found to be too small.
    • The pen was taken by a research cat as a trophy. This is the leading theory.
    • The pen was never there. This was proposed by a humans’ accountant and rejected unanimously.
    • The pen is in the vacuum cleaner. The vacuum cleaner has been searched and has declined to cooperate.

    Aftermath

    A small plaque has been installed beneath Table One, reading, “In memory of Pen 7,201, who fell and was not found.” Staff observed a moment of silence, which was broken after nine seconds by a push.

    Lessons learned

    First, count your pens. Second, count them again after lunch. Third, install a net, not because we expect the pen to be caught, but because it would be rude to the pen not to try.

    Recommendations

    The Laboratory now operates a strict register for all instruments, signed in and out by the cats, who sign with a paw. The register has already gone missing twice. We have opened an inquiry. It is also missing.

    Statement from the director

    Dr. Halloran addressed the staff at a hastily called assembly. “We do not know where the pen is,” she said. “We know only that it has been loved, and that it has been useful. Let us not turn this into a witch hunt, or a cat hunt, or a pen hunt. Let us turn it into a policy.” Applause followed, along with a series of pushes.

    Financial impact

    The cost of the pen was 80 pence. The cost of the three week search, including staff hours, forensic broom hire and snacks for the search party, was £412. The Laboratory’s auditor has described this as “an investment in the pen’s legacy” and has asked not to be quoted again.

    Public response

    The incident drew a modest reaction from the public. A local newsletter ran a short item headed “Pen Missing, Cat Calm,” and three readers wrote in offering to lend us a pen. We declined, as we do not accept pens from outsiders, who tend to want them back.