On a Tuesday in the second quarter, a Laboratory pen was placed on the edge of Table One for the purpose of Drop Trial 7,201. The pen fell, as expected. The pen did not come to rest on the floor, as expected. It went somewhere else.
Timeline
At 10:14 AM the pen was pushed. At 10:14 and a few seconds, the pen was heard to hit the floor. At 10:15 the pen was no longer there. Three research cats and one human observer were present, and none will say more.
The search
Over the following three weeks the Laboratory examined the underside of every piece of furniture, the inside of two boots, and a plant pot that had not previously been considered a suspect. A forensic broom was employed.
Findings
No pen was found. However, the search yielded eleven other pens, a bottle cap, a button, a dried pea and a small ring, which has since been returned to a very surprised member of staff.
We conclude that the pen is either in the wall or in the cat. We have asked the cat. She has no comment.
Interviews
Dumpling, who was nearest the pen at the time, was asked to comment. She looked out of the window for several seconds, then licked a paw, then left. We have noted this as a partial confession.
Gerald, Head of Safety, said he had seen nothing but would like it recorded that he had been standing very close to nothing. A junior associate named Pickle said the pen “went up, I think,” which led to a long and unhelpful meeting about whether pens can rise.
Theories considered
- The pen fell into a gap between the floorboards, a gap that we later measured at four millimetres and found to be too small.
- The pen was taken by a research cat as a trophy. This is the leading theory.
- The pen was never there. This was proposed by a humans’ accountant and rejected unanimously.
- The pen is in the vacuum cleaner. The vacuum cleaner has been searched and has declined to cooperate.
Aftermath
A small plaque has been installed beneath Table One, reading, “In memory of Pen 7,201, who fell and was not found.” Staff observed a moment of silence, which was broken after nine seconds by a push.
Lessons learned
First, count your pens. Second, count them again after lunch. Third, install a net, not because we expect the pen to be caught, but because it would be rude to the pen not to try.
Recommendations
The Laboratory now operates a strict register for all instruments, signed in and out by the cats, who sign with a paw. The register has already gone missing twice. We have opened an inquiry. It is also missing.
Statement from the director
Dr. Halloran addressed the staff at a hastily called assembly. “We do not know where the pen is,” she said. “We know only that it has been loved, and that it has been useful. Let us not turn this into a witch hunt, or a cat hunt, or a pen hunt. Let us turn it into a policy.” Applause followed, along with a series of pushes.
Financial impact
The cost of the pen was 80 pence. The cost of the three week search, including staff hours, forensic broom hire and snacks for the search party, was £412. The Laboratory’s auditor has described this as “an investment in the pen’s legacy” and has asked not to be quoted again.
Public response
The incident drew a modest reaction from the public. A local newsletter ran a short item headed “Pen Missing, Cat Calm,” and three readers wrote in offering to lend us a pen. We declined, as we do not accept pens from outsiders, who tend to want them back.
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