Halloran Test Laboratory

Category: Lab Notices

  • Staff Memo: Please Stop Naming the Specimens

    Staff Memo: Please Stop Naming the Specimens

    To all staff,

    It has come to the attention of management that the specimens used in Drop Trial 7,340 were referred to by name. Notably, a thimble was called Gary, a bottle cap was called Doris, and a small marble was introduced to a visiting auditor as “my dear friend.”

    Why this matters

    Naming a specimen creates an emotional bond, which affects the quality of the data. It is difficult to push Doris off a table after you have told her your secrets.

    New policy

    From Monday, specimens will be identified by number only. Specimen 12 is a thimble. Specimen 13 is also a thimble, but a different one.

    Exceptions

    An exception has been granted for the Laboratory’s founding mug, which is called Mug, and which has earned its name.

    Regards, Gerald, Head of Safety

    Replies to the memo

    Several staff members replied to the memo with objections. One wrote, in a large and annoyed hand, “Doris is not a bottle cap, she is a colleague.” Another asked whether the rule applied to cats, who are also numbered at the Laboratory but who, they felt, deserve to be named.

    Management has reviewed these objections and rejected them in full, on the grounds that cats are not specimens and cannot be pushed, although many have tried.

    Reminders

    Please do not feed the specimens. Please do not tuck the specimens in. Please do not sing to the specimens, particularly at night, since the neighbours have begun to ask.

    Counselling

    Staff who have formed emotional attachments to specimens may attend a short session with Gerald, who has agreed to listen and who will say, “That is understandable,” in a low voice. He has done this twice already, and both times he has cried.

    Final note

    The memo was placed on the staff noticeboard at 9 AM and by 9:20 AM had been removed, folded, and sat upon.

  • Frequently Asked Questions About Our Grant Funding

    Frequently Asked Questions About Our Grant Funding

    Who funds the Laboratory?

    We are supported by a loose collection of benefactors, including a retired tuna merchant, a society for the appreciation of crashes, and a person who once visited and left a large cheque on the floor, where it remains.

    What does the grant pay for?

    Roughly forty percent goes to glassware. A further thirty percent goes to cleaning supplies. The remaining thirty percent is held in reserve against things we cannot predict, such as the discovery of a new shelf.

    Can I donate a fragile heirloom?

    We appreciate the gesture but must decline. We have a firm policy of using only our own heirlooms, which we purchase cheaply and in bulk from a source we will not name.

    Do the cats get paid?

    The cats are compensated at a rate of one treat per push, with a bonus for pushes that cause a visible reaction. Several cats have asked for a pension. We are exploring a plan that involves a warm cushion.

    Is this a real laboratory?

    It is a laboratory in the sense that things happen in it.

    Where is the audit report?

    The audit report was prepared in the usual way, on a single sheet of paper, and placed on Table One for safekeeping. It is currently in a place the Laboratory is still exploring.

    Do you publish your results?

    We publish our results in an annual leaflet, printed on durable paper, which is sometimes folded into a bird. Peer reviewers are welcome to comment. Past comments have included “interesting,” “loud,” and a single drawing of a fish.

    What if I disagree with the results?

    Disagreement is welcome and will be filed under the heading of Feedback, which is a drawer. We review the drawer every spring and have found nothing in it yet but a sock.

    How can I join the Laboratory?

    Applicants should submit a short statement of interest, a recent photograph, and a clear demonstration of pushing ability. A trial period of six weeks is required, during which you will be asked to sit still. Few pass this stage.

  • Press Release: Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory Opens a Second Table

    Press Release: Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory Opens a Second Table

    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

    The Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory is pleased to announce the opening of Table Two, a solid oak surface measuring 120 centimetres by 70 centimetres, located in the former broom cupboard adjoining Table One. The addition doubles the Laboratory’s capacity for controlled falling.

    “Table One has served us loyally for eleven years,” said Dr. Biscuit Halloran, Founding Director. “It has a wobble that we have come to love, and a ring from a cup that has become part of our methodology. Table Two has neither of these. We are told this is a feature.”

    What is new

    Table Two is a modern research surface with the following upgrades:

    • A clearly marked edge, painted in a cheerful red so that the cats can find it.
    • A lip of exactly zero millimetres, which we believe to be an industry first.
    • A small shelf beneath it for the collection of what falls.

    A word from the safety office

    The Laboratory’s Head of Safety, a nervous tabby named Gerald, has asked us to state that all drops are conducted in the interest of science and that no item of sentimental value has been knowingly used. Gerald has also asked that the phrase “knowingly used” be read slowly.

    Opening ceremony

    A ribbon will be cut at noon on Friday. Staff cats will push the ribbon, then the scissors, then the small vase of flowers that was placed nearby to make the ceremony look more official. A second vase will be provided.

    Frequently anticipated questions

    Will Table Two replace Table One? No. Table One remains the Laboratory’s spiritual home, and we have promised it that it will not be moved. It was not consulted on this promise.

    Will the public be allowed to attend? Members of the public are welcome to watch from behind the yellow line, which has been drawn on the floor in tape. Please note that the line is also a drop zone, and that the Laboratory accepts no responsibility for socks.

    Statistics

    In its first week of planning, Table Two was measured, sketched, sniffed, climbed, slept on and, on one occasion, left a note on. The note read, in a small and careful paw, “Mine.” We have taken this as a sign of approval.

    Contact

    Press enquiries should be directed to the Laboratory’s communications cat, Pickle, who will not respond, or to the front desk, which will respond with a long and thoughtful silence. Photographs of the new table are available on request, though we note that every photograph includes the same cat, sitting on it.