Frequently Asked Questions About Our Grant Funding

Who funds the Laboratory?

We are supported by a loose collection of benefactors, including a retired tuna merchant, a society for the appreciation of crashes, and a person who once visited and left a large cheque on the floor, where it remains.

What does the grant pay for?

Roughly forty percent goes to glassware. A further thirty percent goes to cleaning supplies. The remaining thirty percent is held in reserve against things we cannot predict, such as the discovery of a new shelf.

Can I donate a fragile heirloom?

We appreciate the gesture but must decline. We have a firm policy of using only our own heirlooms, which we purchase cheaply and in bulk from a source we will not name.

Do the cats get paid?

The cats are compensated at a rate of one treat per push, with a bonus for pushes that cause a visible reaction. Several cats have asked for a pension. We are exploring a plan that involves a warm cushion.

Is this a real laboratory?

It is a laboratory in the sense that things happen in it.

Where is the audit report?

The audit report was prepared in the usual way, on a single sheet of paper, and placed on Table One for safekeeping. It is currently in a place the Laboratory is still exploring.

Do you publish your results?

We publish our results in an annual leaflet, printed on durable paper, which is sometimes folded into a bird. Peer reviewers are welcome to comment. Past comments have included “interesting,” “loud,” and a single drawing of a fish.

What if I disagree with the results?

Disagreement is welcome and will be filed under the heading of Feedback, which is a drawer. We review the drawer every spring and have found nothing in it yet but a sock.

How can I join the Laboratory?

Applicants should submit a short statement of interest, a recent photograph, and a clear demonstration of pushing ability. A trial period of six weeks is required, during which you will be asked to sit still. Few pass this stage.