Halloran Test Laboratory

Tag: pens

  • Reader Letters: My Cat Has Pushed Everything I Own, What Now?

    Reader Letters: My Cat Has Pushed Everything I Own, What Now?

    Dear Laboratory,

    My cat has pushed my phone, my keys, my plants and my wine glasses off every surface in the house. I have run out of things. What do I do?

    Dear reader,

    First, thank you for writing, and for your contribution to science. You are now the owner of a fully tested home.

    Second, you have not run out of things. You have run out of things that you are willing to see fall. There is a world of objects out there, and some of them are cheap.

    Third, consider a replacement table with a lower edge, a heavier mug and a smaller phone. Fourth, consider that your cat is not misbehaving but expressing a deep curiosity about the world, and that in her mind, you are her principal investigator.

    Best of luck, The Laboratory

    Follow up from a reader

    A second letter has arrived from the same reader, who says she has taken our advice, bought a table with a lower edge, and placed a weighted mug upon it. Her cat has since pushed the table. We are reviewing the case and will return with updated guidance.

    A note on the nature of cats

    The Laboratory wishes to remind all readers that a cat is not a vandal but a scientist, and that her laboratory is your home. If this is not comforting, we suggest replacing your possessions with items made of foam, which have the added benefit of being quiet.

    Disclaimer

    The Laboratory’s advice column is provided for entertainment and mild alarm. No two homes are alike, no two cats are alike, and no two mugs are alike, although they are all, in the end, the same mug. Please do not make decisions about your home based on what we have written.

    Postscript

    If you wish to send a letter of your own, please address it to the Laboratory and place it on the floor.

  • Incident Report 114: The Pen That Was Never Found

    Incident Report 114: The Pen That Was Never Found

    On a Tuesday in the second quarter, a Laboratory pen was placed on the edge of Table One for the purpose of Drop Trial 7,201. The pen fell, as expected. The pen did not come to rest on the floor, as expected. It went somewhere else.

    Timeline

    At 10:14 AM the pen was pushed. At 10:14 and a few seconds, the pen was heard to hit the floor. At 10:15 the pen was no longer there. Three research cats and one human observer were present, and none will say more.

    The search

    Over the following three weeks the Laboratory examined the underside of every piece of furniture, the inside of two boots, and a plant pot that had not previously been considered a suspect. A forensic broom was employed.

    Findings

    No pen was found. However, the search yielded eleven other pens, a bottle cap, a button, a dried pea and a small ring, which has since been returned to a very surprised member of staff.

    We conclude that the pen is either in the wall or in the cat. We have asked the cat. She has no comment.

    Interviews

    Dumpling, who was nearest the pen at the time, was asked to comment. She looked out of the window for several seconds, then licked a paw, then left. We have noted this as a partial confession.

    Gerald, Head of Safety, said he had seen nothing but would like it recorded that he had been standing very close to nothing. A junior associate named Pickle said the pen “went up, I think,” which led to a long and unhelpful meeting about whether pens can rise.

    Theories considered

    • The pen fell into a gap between the floorboards, a gap that we later measured at four millimetres and found to be too small.
    • The pen was taken by a research cat as a trophy. This is the leading theory.
    • The pen was never there. This was proposed by a humans’ accountant and rejected unanimously.
    • The pen is in the vacuum cleaner. The vacuum cleaner has been searched and has declined to cooperate.

    Aftermath

    A small plaque has been installed beneath Table One, reading, “In memory of Pen 7,201, who fell and was not found.” Staff observed a moment of silence, which was broken after nine seconds by a push.

    Lessons learned

    First, count your pens. Second, count them again after lunch. Third, install a net, not because we expect the pen to be caught, but because it would be rude to the pen not to try.

    Recommendations

    The Laboratory now operates a strict register for all instruments, signed in and out by the cats, who sign with a paw. The register has already gone missing twice. We have opened an inquiry. It is also missing.

    Statement from the director

    Dr. Halloran addressed the staff at a hastily called assembly. “We do not know where the pen is,” she said. “We know only that it has been loved, and that it has been useful. Let us not turn this into a witch hunt, or a cat hunt, or a pen hunt. Let us turn it into a policy.” Applause followed, along with a series of pushes.

    Financial impact

    The cost of the pen was 80 pence. The cost of the three week search, including staff hours, forensic broom hire and snacks for the search party, was £412. The Laboratory’s auditor has described this as “an investment in the pen’s legacy” and has asked not to be quoted again.

    Public response

    The incident drew a modest reaction from the public. A local newsletter ran a short item headed “Pen Missing, Cat Calm,” and three readers wrote in offering to lend us a pen. We declined, as we do not accept pens from outsiders, who tend to want them back.