To all staff,
It has come to the attention of management that the specimens used in Drop Trial 7,340 were referred to by name. Notably, a thimble was called Gary, a bottle cap was called Doris, and a small marble was introduced to a visiting auditor as “my dear friend.”
Why this matters
Naming a specimen creates an emotional bond, which affects the quality of the data. It is difficult to push Doris off a table after you have told her your secrets.
New policy
From Monday, specimens will be identified by number only. Specimen 12 is a thimble. Specimen 13 is also a thimble, but a different one.
Exceptions
An exception has been granted for the Laboratory’s founding mug, which is called Mug, and which has earned its name.
Regards, Gerald, Head of Safety
Replies to the memo
Several staff members replied to the memo with objections. One wrote, in a large and annoyed hand, “Doris is not a bottle cap, she is a colleague.” Another asked whether the rule applied to cats, who are also numbered at the Laboratory but who, they felt, deserve to be named.
Management has reviewed these objections and rejected them in full, on the grounds that cats are not specimens and cannot be pushed, although many have tried.
Reminders
Please do not feed the specimens. Please do not tuck the specimens in. Please do not sing to the specimens, particularly at night, since the neighbours have begun to ask.
Counselling
Staff who have formed emotional attachments to specimens may attend a short session with Gerald, who has agreed to listen and who will say, “That is understandable,” in a low voice. He has done this twice already, and both times he has cried.
Final note
The memo was placed on the staff noticeboard at 9 AM and by 9:20 AM had been removed, folded, and sat upon.
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