Halloran Test Laboratory

Author: Author

  • Reader Letters: My Cat Has Pushed Everything I Own, What Now?

    Reader Letters: My Cat Has Pushed Everything I Own, What Now?

    Dear Laboratory,

    My cat has pushed my phone, my keys, my plants and my wine glasses off every surface in the house. I have run out of things. What do I do?

    Dear reader,

    First, thank you for writing, and for your contribution to science. You are now the owner of a fully tested home.

    Second, you have not run out of things. You have run out of things that you are willing to see fall. There is a world of objects out there, and some of them are cheap.

    Third, consider a replacement table with a lower edge, a heavier mug and a smaller phone. Fourth, consider that your cat is not misbehaving but expressing a deep curiosity about the world, and that in her mind, you are her principal investigator.

    Best of luck, The Laboratory

    Follow up from a reader

    A second letter has arrived from the same reader, who says she has taken our advice, bought a table with a lower edge, and placed a weighted mug upon it. Her cat has since pushed the table. We are reviewing the case and will return with updated guidance.

    A note on the nature of cats

    The Laboratory wishes to remind all readers that a cat is not a vandal but a scientist, and that her laboratory is your home. If this is not comforting, we suggest replacing your possessions with items made of foam, which have the added benefit of being quiet.

    Disclaimer

    The Laboratory’s advice column is provided for entertainment and mild alarm. No two homes are alike, no two cats are alike, and no two mugs are alike, although they are all, in the end, the same mug. Please do not make decisions about your home based on what we have written.

    Postscript

    If you wish to send a letter of your own, please address it to the Laboratory and place it on the floor.

  • Staff Memo: Please Stop Naming the Specimens

    Staff Memo: Please Stop Naming the Specimens

    To all staff,

    It has come to the attention of management that the specimens used in Drop Trial 7,340 were referred to by name. Notably, a thimble was called Gary, a bottle cap was called Doris, and a small marble was introduced to a visiting auditor as “my dear friend.”

    Why this matters

    Naming a specimen creates an emotional bond, which affects the quality of the data. It is difficult to push Doris off a table after you have told her your secrets.

    New policy

    From Monday, specimens will be identified by number only. Specimen 12 is a thimble. Specimen 13 is also a thimble, but a different one.

    Exceptions

    An exception has been granted for the Laboratory’s founding mug, which is called Mug, and which has earned its name.

    Regards, Gerald, Head of Safety

    Replies to the memo

    Several staff members replied to the memo with objections. One wrote, in a large and annoyed hand, “Doris is not a bottle cap, she is a colleague.” Another asked whether the rule applied to cats, who are also numbered at the Laboratory but who, they felt, deserve to be named.

    Management has reviewed these objections and rejected them in full, on the grounds that cats are not specimens and cannot be pushed, although many have tried.

    Reminders

    Please do not feed the specimens. Please do not tuck the specimens in. Please do not sing to the specimens, particularly at night, since the neighbours have begun to ask.

    Counselling

    Staff who have formed emotional attachments to specimens may attend a short session with Gerald, who has agreed to listen and who will say, “That is understandable,” in a low voice. He has done this twice already, and both times he has cried.

    Final note

    The memo was placed on the staff noticeboard at 9 AM and by 9:20 AM had been removed, folded, and sat upon.

  • Field Study: Bookshelves, an Unexplored Frontier

    Field Study: Bookshelves, an Unexplored Frontier

    For years the Laboratory has focused on tables. We have been told by the board that this is narrow. So in March, a field team of three cats set out to examine the bookshelf.

    The setting

    The shelf stood two metres tall and held 140 books, a clock, a ceramic frog and a candle that nobody had lit since 2019. It was, in short, a tempting environment.

    Observations

    The first book fell at 11:02 AM. It landed spine down, which we consider a good omen. The second book landed flat and made a noise that the whole building heard. A third book was dropped with such force that it opened and displayed a page about gardening.

    Conclusion

    Bookshelves are superior to tables for the study of books. We have asked the board to approve a bigger shelf and, separately, a smaller board.

    Equipment carried

    Each member of the field team carried a notebook, a stopwatch, a ruler, and a bag of treats that was empty by 9:30 AM. The notebook was also pushed. We recovered it the following day with a large paw print on the cover.

    Hazards

    The shelf was reached by a series of ascending surfaces: a chair, a side table, a printer, and the top of a refrigerator. The printer was not designed to bear a cat, and said so, loudly, in a series of beeps. The team ignored it, as is the Laboratory’s tradition with machines.

    Recommendations for future shelf work

    The team recommends the use of a soft landing zone, such as a pile of laundry, to protect fragile specimens. The team also recommends that the ceramic frog be treated with respect, since it fell last and survived.

    Summary of data

    The field team recorded 31 drops, of which 28 were confirmed falls and three were attempts that ended in a sulk. Average fall time was 0.64 seconds, a figure that the team considers a personal best for the building. One paperback, a large book about the history of rope, was dropped four times and was deemed to have enjoyed it.

  • Equipment Review: The Standard Glass of Water, Version 4

    Equipment Review: The Standard Glass of Water, Version 4

    The Standard Glass of Water has been the Laboratory’s workhorse since our founding. Version 4 improves on its predecessor in three important ways, and regresses in one.

    Improvements

    • The base has been narrowed by two millimetres, which makes it more eager to leave.
    • The walls are thinner, producing a higher pitched and more satisfying sound on impact.
    • The water now sits at an optimal level, high enough to cause a splash and low enough that nobody is angry about the amount.

    Regression

    The new glass is slightly heavier, and one of our smaller associates, a kitten named Parsley, cannot push it alone. We have addressed this by teaching Parsley to enlist a friend.

    Verdict

    Four out of five paws. We would give five, but the glass costs more than the cat, and the cat knows it.

    Technical specifications

    • Capacity: 250 millilitres of water, or 190 millilitres of water plus 60 millilitres of regret.
    • Height: 11 centimetres, a figure chosen for its appeal to the paw.
    • Weight when full: 410 grams, which is enough to be satisfying and not enough to hurt.
    • Colour: transparent, so that the water can be observed leaving.

    User testimonials

    “I have pushed twelve of these and not a single one has failed me.” Dumpling, Senior Associate.

    “Version 3 was a little stubborn. Version 4 is a dream.” Pickle, Junior Associate.

    “I do not push glasses. I merely stand near them.” Gerald, Head of Safety, who was seen pushing a glass.

    Care and maintenance

    Store the Standard Glass of Water on a high shelf, in the dark, away from cats. Then give up and store it wherever the cat has already decided it should be. Wash gently, dry carefully, and expect the unexpected, since the glass has a long and complicated history with the floor.

    Where to buy

    The Standard Glass is available from the Laboratory shop, which is a box by the door. Please leave a note and a coin. The note will be pushed.

  • Frequently Asked Questions About Our Grant Funding

    Frequently Asked Questions About Our Grant Funding

    Who funds the Laboratory?

    We are supported by a loose collection of benefactors, including a retired tuna merchant, a society for the appreciation of crashes, and a person who once visited and left a large cheque on the floor, where it remains.

    What does the grant pay for?

    Roughly forty percent goes to glassware. A further thirty percent goes to cleaning supplies. The remaining thirty percent is held in reserve against things we cannot predict, such as the discovery of a new shelf.

    Can I donate a fragile heirloom?

    We appreciate the gesture but must decline. We have a firm policy of using only our own heirlooms, which we purchase cheaply and in bulk from a source we will not name.

    Do the cats get paid?

    The cats are compensated at a rate of one treat per push, with a bonus for pushes that cause a visible reaction. Several cats have asked for a pension. We are exploring a plan that involves a warm cushion.

    Is this a real laboratory?

    It is a laboratory in the sense that things happen in it.

    Where is the audit report?

    The audit report was prepared in the usual way, on a single sheet of paper, and placed on Table One for safekeeping. It is currently in a place the Laboratory is still exploring.

    Do you publish your results?

    We publish our results in an annual leaflet, printed on durable paper, which is sometimes folded into a bird. Peer reviewers are welcome to comment. Past comments have included “interesting,” “loud,” and a single drawing of a fish.

    What if I disagree with the results?

    Disagreement is welcome and will be filed under the heading of Feedback, which is a drawer. We review the drawer every spring and have found nothing in it yet but a sock.

    How can I join the Laboratory?

    Applicants should submit a short statement of interest, a recent photograph, and a clear demonstration of pushing ability. A trial period of six weeks is required, during which you will be asked to sit still. Few pass this stage.

  • Gravity Is Not a Suggestion: A Lecture Transcript

    Gravity Is Not a Suggestion: A Lecture Transcript

    Good morning, everyone. Please settle down. No, you cannot sit on the projector. Today’s lecture concerns gravity, which is a force that pulls things downward, and which we have come to rely upon for most of our professional work.

    What gravity does

    Gravity is the reason a glass of water, once pushed, reaches the floor. It does not need to be told twice. It does not ask whether the glass was full. It is the most reliable colleague we have ever had.

    What gravity does not do

    Gravity does not apply to cats on the back of a sofa, or to a cat who has decided she is a loaf. In such cases we suspend the usual rules and observe from a polite distance.

    Questions

    A small kitten near the front asked whether a glass could ever fall upward. I said that it could not, but that I admired the optimism.

    Homework

    Please push something small off something high tonight and write down how you felt. Do not tell your humans it was homework. They will not understand.

    Appendix: selected questions from the floor

    A tabby near the back asked what happens if the object is lighter than air. I told her we have not yet found one, but we remain open to a very small balloon.

    A grey kitten asked why gravity does not simply stop when you ask it to. I said that the same applies to the dinner bell, and that this is a profound observation about reality.

    Someone then asked whether the lecture was nearly over. I said that it had been, for some time, and thanked the room for staying awake. Half of it had not.

    Further reading

    Students are encouraged to consult the Laboratory’s leaflet series, including “Down: A Short History,” “Why Things Roll,” and the forthcoming “Edges, Fears and Hopes.” All are printed on sturdy card and are available from the front desk or the floor beneath it.

  • Incident Report 114: The Pen That Was Never Found

    Incident Report 114: The Pen That Was Never Found

    On a Tuesday in the second quarter, a Laboratory pen was placed on the edge of Table One for the purpose of Drop Trial 7,201. The pen fell, as expected. The pen did not come to rest on the floor, as expected. It went somewhere else.

    Timeline

    At 10:14 AM the pen was pushed. At 10:14 and a few seconds, the pen was heard to hit the floor. At 10:15 the pen was no longer there. Three research cats and one human observer were present, and none will say more.

    The search

    Over the following three weeks the Laboratory examined the underside of every piece of furniture, the inside of two boots, and a plant pot that had not previously been considered a suspect. A forensic broom was employed.

    Findings

    No pen was found. However, the search yielded eleven other pens, a bottle cap, a button, a dried pea and a small ring, which has since been returned to a very surprised member of staff.

    We conclude that the pen is either in the wall or in the cat. We have asked the cat. She has no comment.

    Interviews

    Dumpling, who was nearest the pen at the time, was asked to comment. She looked out of the window for several seconds, then licked a paw, then left. We have noted this as a partial confession.

    Gerald, Head of Safety, said he had seen nothing but would like it recorded that he had been standing very close to nothing. A junior associate named Pickle said the pen “went up, I think,” which led to a long and unhelpful meeting about whether pens can rise.

    Theories considered

    • The pen fell into a gap between the floorboards, a gap that we later measured at four millimetres and found to be too small.
    • The pen was taken by a research cat as a trophy. This is the leading theory.
    • The pen was never there. This was proposed by a humans’ accountant and rejected unanimously.
    • The pen is in the vacuum cleaner. The vacuum cleaner has been searched and has declined to cooperate.

    Aftermath

    A small plaque has been installed beneath Table One, reading, “In memory of Pen 7,201, who fell and was not found.” Staff observed a moment of silence, which was broken after nine seconds by a push.

    Lessons learned

    First, count your pens. Second, count them again after lunch. Third, install a net, not because we expect the pen to be caught, but because it would be rude to the pen not to try.

    Recommendations

    The Laboratory now operates a strict register for all instruments, signed in and out by the cats, who sign with a paw. The register has already gone missing twice. We have opened an inquiry. It is also missing.

    Statement from the director

    Dr. Halloran addressed the staff at a hastily called assembly. “We do not know where the pen is,” she said. “We know only that it has been loved, and that it has been useful. Let us not turn this into a witch hunt, or a cat hunt, or a pen hunt. Let us turn it into a policy.” Applause followed, along with a series of pushes.

    Financial impact

    The cost of the pen was 80 pence. The cost of the three week search, including staff hours, forensic broom hire and snacks for the search party, was £412. The Laboratory’s auditor has described this as “an investment in the pen’s legacy” and has asked not to be quoted again.

    Public response

    The incident drew a modest reaction from the public. A local newsletter ran a short item headed “Pen Missing, Cat Calm,” and three readers wrote in offering to lend us a pen. We declined, as we do not accept pens from outsiders, who tend to want them back.

  • How To Calibrate a Cat in Seven Easy Steps

    How To Calibrate a Cat in Seven Easy Steps

    Every measurement begins with calibration. A thermometer is checked against ice water, and a clock is checked against another clock. A cat, we are sorry to report, is checked against a snack.

    Step one: establish a baseline

    Place the cat in a neutral room with no furniture and no windows. Observe for ten minutes. Note the moment the cat finds the single speck of dust in the room and stares at it. This is your zero.

    Step two: introduce a reference object

    Use a standard reference pen. Our Laboratory uses a blue ballpoint, 14 centimetres long, with a chewed end. Place it on the floor in front of the cat and note whether it is ignored, batted, or carried away.

    Step three: check the whiskers

    Whisker span should be recorded in millimetres. If the cat objects, record the objection and the time.

    Step four to six: repeat

    Repeat steps one to three at morning, noon and the hour after dinner, because a cat calibrated on a full stomach is a different instrument from one calibrated on an empty one.

    Step seven: accept the result

    Your cat is now calibrated, in the sense that you know what she will do. She will do it when she decides to. Calibration remains valid until the cat sees a bird.

    Common calibration errors

    Many first time calibrators make the mistake of starting with a toy. A toy is a distraction, and a distracted cat is a variable. Remove all toys, string, tape, boxes, paper bags and anything that could be called a box by someone with imagination. If you are unsure, ask yourself whether the cat would sit in it. If so, it is a box.

    Another frequent error is calibrating in the presence of a window. The window contains birds, leaves, rain and the occasional wandering neighbour, all of which will ruin the reading. Calibrate in a windowless room, and if you do not have one, draw the curtains and hold your breath.

    Equipment you will need

    • One cat, preferably fed.
    • One reference pen, blue, slightly chewed.
    • One notebook, with a pen that is not the reference pen.
    • One sturdy table.
    • One lot of patience, which cannot be purchased and must be supplied by you.

    Interpreting your results

    If the cat pushes the pen immediately, your cat is a Type A subject, and is ready for field work. If the cat ignores the pen for four minutes and then pushes it while looking at you, she is Type B, a patient and theatrical subject, and we recommend caution around your good lamp.

    If the cat falls asleep on the pen, she is Type C. There is no known treatment for Type C. Type C cats are, however, excellent for morale, and several of our most senior associates fall into this group.

    A final word of reassurance

    Calibration is not about control. It is about understanding, and understanding is about letting go of the idea that you are in charge. Once you accept this, you may proceed to the drop test with a clear heart and a mop within reach.

    Troubleshooting

    If your cat refuses to sit on the scale, weigh yourself holding the cat and subtract. If your cat refuses to be held, weigh yourself holding a bag of flour of similar mood. If your cat has left the building, check the neighbour’s garden, and then check the top of the wardrobe, which is where cats go when they wish to be considered missing.

    Frequency of recalibration

    We recommend recalibrating once per season, and immediately after any of the following events: a house move, a new sofa, a visit from a relative, the introduction of a second cat, or the arrival of a parcel. Parcels in particular reset all known values to zero.

    Closing remarks

    Do not feel discouraged if the calibration fails. At the Laboratory, a failed calibration is simply a calibration that turned out to be about something else.

  • Press Release: Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory Opens a Second Table

    Press Release: Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory Opens a Second Table

    FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

    The Purrfect Drop Test Laboratory is pleased to announce the opening of Table Two, a solid oak surface measuring 120 centimetres by 70 centimetres, located in the former broom cupboard adjoining Table One. The addition doubles the Laboratory’s capacity for controlled falling.

    “Table One has served us loyally for eleven years,” said Dr. Biscuit Halloran, Founding Director. “It has a wobble that we have come to love, and a ring from a cup that has become part of our methodology. Table Two has neither of these. We are told this is a feature.”

    What is new

    Table Two is a modern research surface with the following upgrades:

    • A clearly marked edge, painted in a cheerful red so that the cats can find it.
    • A lip of exactly zero millimetres, which we believe to be an industry first.
    • A small shelf beneath it for the collection of what falls.

    A word from the safety office

    The Laboratory’s Head of Safety, a nervous tabby named Gerald, has asked us to state that all drops are conducted in the interest of science and that no item of sentimental value has been knowingly used. Gerald has also asked that the phrase “knowingly used” be read slowly.

    Opening ceremony

    A ribbon will be cut at noon on Friday. Staff cats will push the ribbon, then the scissors, then the small vase of flowers that was placed nearby to make the ceremony look more official. A second vase will be provided.

    Frequently anticipated questions

    Will Table Two replace Table One? No. Table One remains the Laboratory’s spiritual home, and we have promised it that it will not be moved. It was not consulted on this promise.

    Will the public be allowed to attend? Members of the public are welcome to watch from behind the yellow line, which has been drawn on the floor in tape. Please note that the line is also a drop zone, and that the Laboratory accepts no responsibility for socks.

    Statistics

    In its first week of planning, Table Two was measured, sketched, sniffed, climbed, slept on and, on one occasion, left a note on. The note read, in a small and careful paw, “Mine.” We have taken this as a sign of approval.

    Contact

    Press enquiries should be directed to the Laboratory’s communications cat, Pickle, who will not respond, or to the front desk, which will respond with a long and thoughtful silence. Photographs of the new table are available on request, though we note that every photograph includes the same cat, sitting on it.

  • Methods Paper: The Mug at the Edge of the Counter, a 400 Trial Study

    Methods Paper: The Mug at the Edge of the Counter, a 400 Trial Study

    Abstract

    We report on 400 consecutive trials in which a ceramic mug was placed at varying distances from the edge of a kitchen counter, while a trained research cat observed from a distance of one metre. The primary outcome was whether the mug reached the floor. The secondary outcome was whether the researcher looked at us while it did.

    The mug reached the floor in 400 of 400 trials. We consider this a strong result, and the lab has since stopped ordering mugs in lots smaller than fifty.

    Background

    The existing literature on falling objects is, we regret to say, almost entirely written by people who were not in the room. Earlier work relied on dropping things from a height by hand, which introduces the problem that the hand is not a cat. A cat drops things with intent, and intent changes everything, including the mood in the room.

    Our founder, Dr. Biscuit Halloran, first proposed the edge hypothesis in a memo written on the back of a feed bag. It reads in full: “Things near edges want to leave.” The lab has built its funding model on this sentence and has not been asked to expand it.

    Method

    The mug was a standard 350 millilitre ceramic vessel, white, chosen because it makes a satisfying noise and because it was already in the sink. Each trial began with the mug placed at a marked distance from the counter edge: 20 centimetres, 10 centimetres, 5 centimetres, or flush. The research cat, a senior associate named Dumpling, was introduced at a distance and permitted to approach at her own pace.

    Observers recorded three things:

    • The time between the cat noticing the mug and the first paw contact.
    • The angle of the push, measured with a protractor that Dumpling later removed from the counter.
    • Whether the cat made eye contact with the nearest human before the final nudge.

    Results

    At 20 centimetres, the mug travelled to the edge in a median of 41 seconds, a delay we attribute to the cat feigning disinterest. At flush distance the median time dropped to under two seconds, and in six trials the mug fell before the cat had fully arrived. We have classified these as “anticipatory gravity” and request that nobody ask us what that means.

    Eye contact occurred in 391 of 400 trials. In the remaining nine, the cat was facing the wall, which we believe was a deliberate attempt to establish an alibi.

    Discussion

    The data support a model in which the cat is not merely a bystander to gravity but a collaborator with it. Gravity supplies the downward force. The cat supplies the idea. Neither works well without the other, which is why a dropped mug in an empty house is merely an accident, while one dropped in front of a cat is a result.

    We also observed that the sound of breakage had no measurable effect on the cat’s behaviour in the following trial. Dumpling was shown a shattered mug and then a fresh one, and she pushed the second at the same speed. We conclude that cats do not learn from consequences, or that the consequences are working as intended.

    Limitations

    The study used a single research cat. Dumpling declined to allow a second cat in the room on the grounds that she was busy. The mugs were also not randomised, as they were all the same mug, which was replaced each time by the lab manager at personal expense.

    Conclusion

    Mugs fall. Cats help. We recommend further funding, a larger counter and a mop.

    Ethics statement

    All mugs were already doomed. The research cat participated voluntarily, in the sense that nobody could stop her. No humans were harmed, though one was startled, and a second said a word that we have redacted from the record.

    Acknowledgements

    We thank the retired tuna merchant for his generous support, the lab manager for his patience, and the floor for being there.