Reader Letters: My Cat Has Pushed Everything I Own, What Now?

Dear Laboratory,

My cat has pushed my phone, my keys, my plants and my wine glasses off every surface in the house. I have run out of things. What do I do?

Dear reader,

First, thank you for writing, and for your contribution to science. You are now the owner of a fully tested home.

Second, you have not run out of things. You have run out of things that you are willing to see fall. There is a world of objects out there, and some of them are cheap.

Third, consider a replacement table with a lower edge, a heavier mug and a smaller phone. Fourth, consider that your cat is not misbehaving but expressing a deep curiosity about the world, and that in her mind, you are her principal investigator.

Best of luck, The Laboratory

Follow up from a reader

A second letter has arrived from the same reader, who says she has taken our advice, bought a table with a lower edge, and placed a weighted mug upon it. Her cat has since pushed the table. We are reviewing the case and will return with updated guidance.

A note on the nature of cats

The Laboratory wishes to remind all readers that a cat is not a vandal but a scientist, and that her laboratory is your home. If this is not comforting, we suggest replacing your possessions with items made of foam, which have the added benefit of being quiet.

Disclaimer

The Laboratory’s advice column is provided for entertainment and mild alarm. No two homes are alike, no two cats are alike, and no two mugs are alike, although they are all, in the end, the same mug. Please do not make decisions about your home based on what we have written.

Postscript

If you wish to send a letter of your own, please address it to the Laboratory and place it on the floor.